Who I Am

This seems to be something people rarely know right after High School. They don't know who they are, what they want to do, or what they are meant to do. I am definitely not an exception to this rule. I switch between outgoing and shy, talkative and silent, friendly and withdrawn. However, there are a few things that I know about myself. I'm very compassionate. I love people, animals, and sometimes I feel guilty for eating plants. I am also very self conscious, and have a tendancy to judge other people in order to feel better about myself. I notice other peoples weaknesses, so that mine appear to be smaller in comparison. "Wow, she's so fat....obviously my large thighs are inconspicous". Terrible, I know. I really should establish a self esteem one of these days. I also love to argue, something that has remained consistent through out my entire life. My first word was "why", which makes perfect sense, since I don't think i've ever responded to a request in any other way. Where some people find arguments upsetting, and experience emotional turmoil at the slightest disagreement, I love them and find them invigorating. I get incredibly frustrated when people are mad at me after a good discussion / argument, because I don't take things personally, and I feel that people should be able to discuss ideas on politics and religion without taking personal offence. The song that follows is one that I love, because I feel like it describes me perfectly. The artist even has a grandmother with the same name as mine! When I feel lost, or confused about who I am, I like to listen to this song, because it reminds me that I have qualities that will never change, regardless of where life takes me. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uh2qTnHdaH0&feature=related

Forgiveness

Anger. I could hold onto it. I could let it eat me alive, consume me. Believe me when I say, there is quite enough of it. It’s not that the people I surround myself with are particularly prone to making mistakes, but merely that I trust a lot of people. Not to many, just a lot. Trust is precious. It opens doors, teaches lessons that suscpicion never could. Sometimes, however, the conclusion must be reached that trust is often the cause of suffering. But what does anger do? It burns. Trust can sometimes burn you, but anger always will. As a famous man once said “anger is an acid that causes more damage to the vessel in which it is stored, than anything onto which it is poured.” It is someone startling how often this quote rings true. Anger thrives within us all because we don’t want to give the transgressor the relief of knowing they are forgiven. Most of the time, however, those who have hurt us will already have moved on. They might feel guilty, but guilt cannot run one’s life. They will eventually move on to new endeavours, and any power we had over them is lost. Forgiveness, then, appears a somewhat attractive option. You don’t get burnt, and you get to maintain the relationship. When I forgive someone, I look at what has been done. I acknowledge that it hurt me, I acknowledge that the act was greedy, and disgusting, but I also acknowledge that I myself am not above making mistakes. That I could have, in fact, been the one making the mistake. That everyone deserves forgiveness. So I forgive them for hurting me, and all the sudden, I feel a lot less hurt. No, the pain does not magically vanish as some people seem to think it will. It just stings a lot less. Forgiving and forgetting should both take place, but they cannot be done at the same time. Forgiving can be done instantaneously, while forgetting takes time. It takes time for trust to build again. And if I have one goal, it is to let that trust rebuild as quickly as possible. To forget the names of my enemies. People change, and we must forgive. Although trust can sometimes cause pain and suffering, it also leads to beauty. Long lasting relationships, bonds we never could have imagined. Yes, trusting someone is a risk. But it’s like a lottery ticket. What you stand to lose, be it hurt feelings or a few dollars, you will forget about in time. The potential rewards, however, will last for years to come.

Rejection

Rejection. Who knew that rejection and forgiveness could co-exist? That I could admit, even rejoice, in the fact that I no longer want to be a part of your life. Reject everything you do for me, everything you stand for in my mind. Reject your spineless behaviour, your selfish intentions, your obscure jealousy… and somehow find a hidden love. The kind of love that ignites compassion. I can feel the pain of your losses, feel the pain I’ve left you with, and the pain you inflict on yourself as you begin to self-destruct. Feel empathy, because for the first time, I realize I have been in that place as well. I realize that the similarities that we had previously recognized run deeper than either of us could have imagined. To deep for us to peacefully exist within each other’s lives. I’m not angry anymore, because I know that we will never fight again. I won’t be in your life and you won’t be in mine, but for the first time I hope that yours is prosperous, full of good things, all windows and no walls. I want you to find peace somewhere, because I love you. This final rejection has allowed the hate in my heart to turn into an empathetic love. I reject you, I love you, and I wish you all the best.

What's underneath

Who am I? it seems like everywhere I go, everyone I talk to, I have to put on a different mask. And with all the masks, I think I’ve almost forgotten who I am. I can be stupid and perky, I can be quiet and intelligent, but is the intelligence only a pathetic attempt at a façade, or is the stupidity how my insecurities choose to manifest themselves in public? I always thought I was assertive, that no one would ever push me around. So why, all the sudden, am I looking to others for suggestions on the way I should act, the way I should talk, how much I should drink, and the list goes on… my frustrations keep mounting, as I continue to lose sight of who I am. I’ve never been certain of who I am, but I don’t think I’ve ever been this confused before. I feel alone, lost, like I don’t have even myself to leave on. Changing masks can be helpful sometimes, but it takes a lot of energy. And sometimes, if you have too many masks, you can start to forget what’s underneath them.

Fearless

Fear. Something that has always haunted me. Always been the dark angel lurking around the corner in my life. I’m walking down a light hallway, candles one every inch of every wall, yet the smallest shadow seems to hold in it the largest demons one could imagine. It follows me constantly. Never let’s go, never takes a break, and never allows me to catch my breath between frights. It’s that voice that tells me not to go there, not to do that, and to some extent it protects me from what could be dangerous. Fear is like an older brother. A long-time companion, always looking out for me, never allowing me to walk into danger. Constantly aggravating, yet slightly painful to let go of. But fear is not my friend. It consumes me. It has caused far more harm to me, then anything I could ever be afraid of. As Napoleon once said, “The torment of precautions often exceeds the dangers to be avoided.” The problematic factor being my failure to understand this when I am afraid. Perhaps the most feared thing I could have imagined is seeking help for my fear. Go to someone and say “ I’m always afraid”. Having the courage to admit I am afraid is one of the hardest things I will ever find the courage to do. Yet I did it. I asked for help. I didn’t want to be afraid anymore. Now I’m better, the fear no longer haunts me. I fear being fearless changes me, but perhaps that change is for the better. So I’ll give it a shot, at least for now. So, this is me, living life unafraid. For however long the courage to do so may last. And if I can find the courage to live unafraid, there is nothing I cannot do.