Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Who I Am

This seems to be something people rarely know right after High School. They don't know who they are, what they want to do, or what they are meant to do. I am definitely not an exception to this rule. I switch between outgoing and shy, talkative and silent, friendly and withdrawn. However, there are a few things that I know about myself. I'm very compassionate. I love people, animals, and sometimes I feel guilty for eating plants. I am also very self conscious, and have a tendancy to judge other people in order to feel better about myself. I notice other peoples weaknesses, so that mine appear to be smaller in comparison. "Wow, she's so fat....obviously my large thighs are inconspicous". Terrible, I know. I really should establish a self esteem one of these days. I also love to argue, something that has remained consistent through out my entire life. My first word was "why", which makes perfect sense, since I don't think i've ever responded to a request in any other way. Where some people find arguments upsetting, and experience emotional turmoil at the slightest disagreement, I love them and find them invigorating. I get incredibly frustrated when people are mad at me after a good discussion / argument, because I don't take things personally, and I feel that people should be able to discuss ideas on politics and religion without taking personal offence. The song that follows is one that I love, because I feel like it describes me perfectly. The artist even has a grandmother with the same name as mine! When I feel lost, or confused about who I am, I like to listen to this song, because it reminds me that I have qualities that will never change, regardless of where life takes me. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uh2qTnHdaH0&feature=related


Anger. I could hold onto it. I could let it eat me alive, consume me. Believe me when I say, there is quite enough of it. It’s not that the people I surround myself with are particularly prone to making mistakes, but merely that I trust a lot of people. Not to many, just a lot. Trust is precious. It opens doors, teaches lessons that suscpicion never could. Sometimes, however, the conclusion must be reached that trust is often the cause of suffering. But what does anger do? It burns. Trust can sometimes burn you, but anger always will. As a famous man once said “anger is an acid that causes more damage to the vessel in which it is stored, than anything onto which it is poured.” It is someone startling how often this quote rings true. Anger thrives within us all because we don’t want to give the transgressor the relief of knowing they are forgiven. Most of the time, however, those who have hurt us will already have moved on. They might feel guilty, but guilt cannot run one’s life. They will eventually move on to new endeavours, and any power we had over them is lost. Forgiveness, then, appears a somewhat attractive option. You don’t get burnt, and you get to maintain the relationship. When I forgive someone, I look at what has been done. I acknowledge that it hurt me, I acknowledge that the act was greedy, and disgusting, but I also acknowledge that I myself am not above making mistakes. That I could have, in fact, been the one making the mistake. That everyone deserves forgiveness. So I forgive them for hurting me, and all the sudden, I feel a lot less hurt. No, the pain does not magically vanish as some people seem to think it will. It just stings a lot less. Forgiving and forgetting should both take place, but they cannot be done at the same time. Forgiving can be done instantaneously, while forgetting takes time. It takes time for trust to build again. And if I have one goal, it is to let that trust rebuild as quickly as possible. To forget the names of my enemies. People change, and we must forgive. Although trust can sometimes cause pain and suffering, it also leads to beauty. Long lasting relationships, bonds we never could have imagined. Yes, trusting someone is a risk. But it’s like a lottery ticket. What you stand to lose, be it hurt feelings or a few dollars, you will forget about in time. The potential rewards, however, will last for years to come.